puck...or up. MFEO

spring fever is in full effect and this heavy heart has all of the sudden become weightless.

the things that seemed to bog me down and worry me throughout the day have melted away with this winters snow. leaving a fertile and absorbent ground to start anew with.

after recent endeavors with higher atmospheric conditions....more revelations and thoughts have seemed to find their way into my reservoir. more and more the string theory is becoming apparent, even in a sober state.

now i'll just wait patiently and happy for my midsummer night dream. all i need is one knot to keep me grounded. maybe then i'll be able to deal with the weight of the real world.

10.

far too heavy

i was a heavy heart to carry.

so i left it on the ground, and now i have no connection to almost everyone. there are very few people in my life that are real to me. the rest of you i see as playing pawns, scary and sad but very true. i have successfully gotten everything i want in life so far, be it by some other worldly power i've been given, or by my sadistic manipulation. either way im winning, and im eating it up.

kinda scary to think any interest you have in me or anything i do has been plotted huh?

even the fear, doubt, or hatred towards me is part of the game. you cant win, only me.

think of how fun the game will become when the fucking is not only of the mind.

for today i shall just give a short playlist to describe my mood...maybe a few short lyric snippets. enjoy.

the killing moon - Echo and the Bunnymen

save you - Matthew Perryman Jones

sleep - Azure Ray

it's not true - William Fitzsimmons

bring on the comets - VHS or Beta

feels like letting go - Matthew Perryman Jones

your ghost - Greg Laswell

all those pretty lights - Andrew Belle

hey now - Augustana

Oh my love

help me open my heart again

tear it open let the rain fall in

wash this hardness underneath my skin

oh my love

let me hear your voice come through

I wanna know the love inside of you

make this dark heart believe in what is true

i just wanna believe we were made for something more. but i cant bring myself to accept that anymore. no more make believe hope, no more "maybe next times". next time has come and passed and the world is just as askew as it ever was. life has become one week that repeats over and over again.

waking up monday and not sleeping again until sunday...only to wake up for another monday.

when will my life begin to fill. i am thirsty for passion and spontaneity yet my cup remains dry. i work aimlessly towards a goal i have yet to create, yet alone believe in. do others feel like me or have i mistakenly wandered into the most private parts of my conscience.

sometimes, its as if i cross into a different world. where everything is innocent and wild. completely crazy yet refined. then i return back to here and realize how dirty and subdued everything is. i wonder if my world will ever spill into this world.

until then i'll keep hanging with mary.

soo i havent been able to sleep at night lately and i think it's because i have been blatantly hit with a harsh reality lately...

everybody lives for one thing. And mine was love.

now you might be thinking what is the problem with that? well let me explain.

alright, i have shaped everything i am and do around the ultimate pursuit for love. lately it seems as if no one sparks any interest anymore. part of me thinks its because of my expectations, the other part of me thinks it might have something to do with the fact that it scares me to figure out who i am without the bitter sarcastic undertones my loveless life has given me. it's like my whole character in this play will have to be rewritten and rewired..which frankly, i don't feel like doing. another downfall to this whole live biz is the fact that you have to share your "story" with whomever is a prospect for a future relationship. now i dont know who genuinely wants to hear MY life story, im not sure that i even want to hear it again...i wouldnt mind listening to someone else's but spare me. it doesnt sound very fun nor safe to let someone know your fears, weaknesses, and past.

being alone and bitter is so comfortable, and makes for quite good comedy. all i really want is beauty, guess thats my new goal? sounds pretty lonely but at least i wont have to worry about all this gutting and rewiring myself.

skin

soo im new to this whole blogging thing but as of sunday i have decided to face myself and discover who i really am...which in turn led me to take up new hobbies, ideals, and creativity!

so to start off i feel i must give a rough outline, or rather goal of which i wish to shape my whole life and entire self around.

first: i will no longer search for help

this can be taken in a lot of ways. mostly i have come to the conclusion that life is given to you and you should have fun, no matter what your idea of fun is, because time is limited. instead of me needing someone else just to have fun i now realize i have the most fun alone, in the unkempt corners of my mind that have yet to be explored. all in all others can help you find happiness, you create it.

second: i will keep my aire of mystery

not sure if that is a word.."aire", but simply stated i intend to let few in to really know the real me. cliche, yes but tactful. not only is this a defense mechanism, but in my years of human study; also known as life, i have noticed people find fascination and beauty in the unexplainable or unattainable, so why not make myself unattainable?

third: i will live as i choose

recently i have been exposed to a different level of living and have no intent on turning around and backtracking. the suburbs tried they're best at me but some kids are just meant to fuck up. i dont necessarliy feel this as a rebellion for many reasons; one being i have and have never had rules, and another being im more productive and happy in my altered states of mind. as for other people's views, this could come off quite rebellious. as stated before though, i will choose how i live and if being reckless is what i choose then thats how i'll live.

now these 3 "epiphanies" are just the foundation for the work im determined to become. almost just a short simplified synopsis of the world im about to mold.